I see so much anxiety on the Internet about goth: what it is, how we can define it, whether something is or isn't, and whether you are enough. (How does one measure gothiness? Is there some kind of "goth unit"? "I am twelve bat-pants gothier than you, so there!")
This doesn't strike me as desirable. Sure, the "Are You Goth or Preppy" quizzes are fairly harmless, but I've seen at least one excellent goth blogger driven off the Internet amidst accusations of her, in some mysterious way, doing goth wrong. Everyone has an opinion on the subculture, it seems, and most of them insist on sharing it with you.
Luckily I needn't worry, because I'm already The Worst Goth Ever. Watch! I can prove it to you.
Ten Reasons I Am the Worst Goth Ever
1. I didn't see The Crow until adulthood, and it's far from my favorite movie.
2. Though I can name some famous goth singers, I have no idea who else plays in their bands.
3. I've never been to a goth club (not for lack of trying, mind you).
4. I don't secretly wish to be a vampire.
5. I own zero velvet clothing items.
6. I think Horace Walpole was a terrible writer, and that The Castle of Otranto reads like a Monty Python skit.
7. I hate the way hairspray smells, and I refuse to tease my hair because it's damaging.
8. I can't stay awake at late-night concerts (even LOUD ones).
9. I don't own foundation.
10. And...this is the big one, are you ready?...I don't love goth music.
|I make Robert Smith sad.|
The horror! The horror! I can already hear the shrieking across the Internet: "Then you're not a Real Goth!"
I could carefully craft an argument in response to this--something that explains how modern goth culture actually springs from the eighteenth-century aesthetic and literary movement, which I know more about than you, which gives me +20 bat-pants, so there!--but it's pretty much pointless. Once this kind of person has decided that you're Not a Goth, they're not going to listen to anything you have to say.
So why waste your time? Especially when it's time that could be spent making awesome music or sewing gorgeous clothes or writing deliciously spooky novels or in so many other ways contributing to our somewhat hazy, beautifully big-tent subculture, rather than obsessively drawing lines in the sand about who gets to call themselves goth and who doesn't.
Don't like that idea? Or just don't like me? Feel free to bite me. Especially if you're a vampire.*
*I said I didn't want to be a vampire. I didn't say I didn't want to be with a vampire. Helloooooo, Barnabas!