Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Worst Goth Ever

I see so much anxiety on the Internet about goth: what it is, how we can define it, whether something is or isn't, and whether you are enough. (How does one measure gothiness? Is there some kind of "goth unit"? "I am twelve bat-pants gothier than you, so there!")

This doesn't strike me as desirable. Sure, the "Are You Goth or Preppy" quizzes are fairly harmless, but I've seen at least one excellent goth blogger driven off the Internet amidst accusations of her, in some mysterious way, doing goth wrong. Everyone has an opinion on the subculture, it seems, and most of them insist on sharing it with you.

Luckily I needn't worry, because I'm already The Worst Goth Ever. Watch! I can prove it to you.

Ten Reasons I Am the Worst Goth Ever

1. I didn't see The Crow until adulthood, and it's far from my favorite movie.

2. Though I can name some famous goth singers, I have no idea who else plays in their bands.

3. I've never been to a goth club (not for lack of trying, mind you).

4. I don't secretly wish to be a vampire.

5. I own zero velvet clothing items.

6. I think Horace Walpole was a terrible writer, and that The Castle of Otranto reads like a Monty Python skit.

7. I hate the way hairspray smells, and I refuse to tease my hair because it's damaging.

8. I can't stay awake at late-night concerts (even LOUD ones).

9. I don't own foundation.

10. And...this is the big one, are you ready?...I don't love goth music.

I make Robert Smith sad.

The horror! The horror! I can already hear the shrieking across the Internet: "Then you're not a Real Goth!"

I could carefully craft an argument in response to this--something that explains how modern goth culture actually springs from the eighteenth-century aesthetic and literary movement, which I know more about than you, which gives me +20 bat-pants, so there!--but it's pretty much pointless. Once this kind of person has decided that you're Not a Goth, they're not going to listen to anything you have to say.

So why waste your time? Especially when it's time that could be spent making awesome music or sewing gorgeous clothes or writing deliciously spooky novels or in so many other ways contributing to our somewhat hazy, beautifully big-tent subculture, rather than obsessively drawing lines in the sand about who gets to call themselves goth and who doesn't.

Don't like that idea? Or just don't like me? Feel free to bite me. Especially if you're a vampire.*

*I said I didn't want to be a vampire. I didn't say I didn't want to be with a vampire. Helloooooo, Barnabas!


  1. I tried to expose you to goth music, but after the infamous "...but 'Bela Lugosi's Dead' is boring.." discussion, and your inexplicable love of Creature Feature, I gave up. ;)

    1. That's hilarious, because those are the exact two examples I almost gave of how my terrible taste in music drives my Elder Goth fiance up the wall. :)

  2. I agree with almost everything you said, except for the part about Robert Smith a teased hair. Those are my preciousses *said in bad Smeagol voice*.

    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    2. Do you mean bad Smeagol voice as in bad, versus good, Smeagol, or do you mean that you imitate Smeagol's voice poorly? I'm trying to build up a mental picture...:)

  3. 1. but you DO like it, right??!?

    2 + 10: bah I'm not too huge a fan either. I was always into industrial and power electronics, but now I'm into the indie hipster Brooklyn music scene.

    3. maybe they don't have goth clubs where you're from? or they're shitty? or you don't like dancing/drinking/clubbing. I don't really go too often. TOO BROKE!

    4. it's ok. ghosts, werewolves, fae, zombies, mummies are cool too ;)

    5. velvet's overrated

    6. I don't believe anyone's actually read this.

    7. there's a million hairstyles to choose from.

    8. lol i'm a morning person myself

    9. bah this isn't a goth thing.

    1. Don't worry, I definitely like "The Crow." I have actually read "Castle of Otranto" for a class. It you read it as a comedy, it's great fun, but that was NOT the author's intent. *shudders* And no, there are never any goth clubs where I go. Laramie, Fort Collins, South Korea...not exactly goth havens. Though in many ways South Korea is a shopping paradise for goths--it's all skulls and black lace, all the time!

  4. My tastes in nearly everything are just so broad that I've often wondered if there really would be any subculture that I'd fit into, completely. I do feel most at home in the goth subculture though and am mostly drawn to things with a darker aesthetic :3 I'm guilty of points 2 - 5 as well :3 The goth club thing because there honestly aren't any near me and I do own a fake velvet piece of clothing, but no actual velvet XD When it comes to foundation I do own it, but I rarely use it because my skin tends to get worse after I've used it. I keep it for special occasions only.

  5. The person who gets to decide if you're a goth is YOU!

  6. Wow, you made it through The Castle of Otranto? After five tries I finally gave up and took it to the second-hand bookseller. :P

    I'm too old to be a Goth, so I just call myself a darkly-inclined person. It's like my own little subculture that anybody can join. ;o)